Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
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ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*