Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
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Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior