Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
You Might Also Like
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.