If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
is it earth
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*