#oldknees
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Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I’d use my best pan on you.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?