i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
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“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
LOL
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Not all heroes wear capes…
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Seas the day!!!!
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on