If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
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I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.