My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
You Might Also Like
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.