WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
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If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Ugh but profoundly
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.