I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
You Might Also Like
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”