I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
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i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.