Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Wait for it
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.