$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
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Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Mornin
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
This made me smile…
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*