My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
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*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Basically.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Sending in my taxes