Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
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Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
what
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer