Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
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I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
This will never not be funny 😭
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl