ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
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TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
it was a valiant fight
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.