Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
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The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*