judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
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fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes