Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
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*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.