I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
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I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Attacked by a mop.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks