Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
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Aw man, but that’s the best part
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today