me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
You Might Also Like
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”