Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
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MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
i think we should see other cousins
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.