It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f