I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
*Seductively hides in the woods
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.