(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
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Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind