him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
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A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.