My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
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8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
New favorite tiktok
Hey Fugeddaboutit