If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
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A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…