My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
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i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
HR said no more nunchucks.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.