I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
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6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
The Friday File.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then