[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
WHY would you be happy about this?
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now