Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
You Might Also Like
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
m’lady
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.