In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
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Saving my good tweets for marriage
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
classic mixup
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.