What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
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I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Stonehinge
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
That was easy.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence