I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
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Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck