Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
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[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
okay run it by me one more time
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.