The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
is this a warning or an offer?
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked