Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
🤭😂
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
what the hell pray for carter everyone