I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
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I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
NASA has no chill
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.