Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
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[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy