Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
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Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.