Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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How to wake up a Beagle
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
i can’t wait that long
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.