You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.