[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
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Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.