Muppet Screams
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Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Best seat on the street 😍
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us