waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
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My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Respect
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭