I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
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*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating