My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
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I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?